New Years Resolutions

I admit I am a little slow on the uptake guys.

I get it.

The year  is almost over, so what the hell am I doing writing about my New Year’s Resolution now?
My logic runs along the lines of ‘it’s five o’clock somewhere’.  Call it a start on next years resolutions. Somewhere in the past new years started in August right?  It could happen.

Usually I make some lame ass excuse of a resolution like, ‘this year I will take more pictures’, or the most used one of all time, ‘this year I will finally lose that baby weight’  LOL yeah right.

So I decided to really dig deep for this year.  I wanted to try something scary, something that I was inherently afraid of.  This is what I came up with.

I am doing things that scare me.  Face my fears and all that crap.   OOOOOOHHHHHH terrifying right?  Bare with me.

You know, getting in touch with the outside world, sharing stuff with strangers and maybe meeting some cool folks along the way.  I have no expectations and honestly have no idea what I am doing so any suggestions would be appreciated.  Can’t say I will use all or any because, truth be told I am a little bit of a snatch.  I can say that.  I know me.  You, however, cannot…..yet.  🙂 (unless you do actually know me)

This weeks blog is about…..dun dun dun……feelings.  You know, those touchy little buggers that make your eyes leak and shit.  I am not a fan folks.
I come from a household of repression,  ‘go to your room, I don’t wanna hear it’ was a mantra in my family heard so many times that I actually thought that crap was normal.
What’s the big deal with showing them anyway, everyone has them.  It’s like a dirty little secret that no one can know.
What happens if I show a little feels?
Moving so much and going to eight different schools has taught me how to approach people.  I have watched and can only tell you what I have seen.  And that is simply that people are afraid.

Afraid is not the correct term, downright frozen with fear.  A feeling so strong and thick it coats all your reason weighing it down with hesitation and self doubt.  ‘No don’t tell them that, you will look stupid’  Or ‘you can’t possible cry here, people will stare’  Fear of not being accepted for expressing how they feel.

I see it in almost every person I meet.  They avoid eye contact, make self decrecating jokes and laugh at the new kid.  That is the fear taking over.  Fear of standing up to someone or letting down your walls to let them in and really see you for the beautiful fucking snowflake that you are.

When I was at my second high school, I went through a, uh what would you call it,  oh yeah, a Faze.  Teenage Angst I believe is the term, except mine was on crack.
I hated everyone.  I took out all my anger from my parents divorce and fear of rejection at a new school on innocent bystanders because they were to slow to hop outta my way.  In short, I was a bully.
But people responded to that.  In a positive way.  How fucked up is that?

And now, twenty years later, that shit still keeps me up at night.  How had I become that zombie?  That unfeeling monster who makes people cringe in fear if they so much at bat an eye at me.
I am not that person anymore obviously,(or I am trying very hard) but I feel almost as if I have a penance to perform for my past actions.  Am I the only one? I think not.

I have looked inside and out and have found that most people are, in fact, zombified as well.  I just want to shout from the rooftops, ‘You are not alone!’ And not have them think I am crazy. (again the fear has resurfaced)
I commute to work and it’s almost as if there is a tangible terror. It is instinctual because the eye  really is the window to our soul and I have seen my fair share of souls.  Souls that are just as eaten up as I am when faced with a mirror.

You know how it is easier to spill secrets to strangers because you won’t ever have to see them again?

This is me, telling strangers my secrets in hopes of breaking down my own walls of practicality, compartmentalization and self doubt.  To demolish the stone and churn the dirt letting my fellings grow and thrive in a hospitable environment.

I am a beautiful fucking snowflake and so are you.  Don’t let the fear take away from sharing of yourself. Your true self.  Express it.  Giving of yourself is one of the most selfless acts you can perform.

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