I am 35 today. That is not old. Shit I barely think 50 is old. I recieved so many messages wishing me a happy birthday and it feels wonderful that so many would remember me. Even if I don’t feel I deserve it.
Half the time I am not even present in their lives. But they take time out of their busy day to think about me. That’s nice. I tried to sit on the BART today and reflect on my life so far. Things I want to accomplish as I get older like write a book. Maybe get that bunker everyone is exhausted hearing about. Finally go on a real vacation.
A cruise, I want a cruise. And not just a weekend jaunt, I want a week long stay with all the fixing’s.
But I just couldn’t think of anything that I really wanted. I am happy right now in my life. I have a close, loving family and thoughful friends with a very active social life and my daughter is growing up with loads of ideas and questions I love to answer. I have recently embarked on a new carrer path that is working out quite nicely. My writing has taken a front row seat and it has forced me to confront alot about myself.
I pondered the saying ‘only fools are satisfied.’ Well if that is the case, then I suppose I am a fool. I feel like I have accomplished all the really big milestones in my life. Get married, (yeah, bet no one ever thought that would happen), have a kid, live on my own, become financially stable (well, somewhat at least) and now I am sitting here thinking, ‘okay, I have done it, I am officailly an adult.’ But the thought doesn’t ring true for some reason.
I still feel like I am in my mid twenties. I still like to go bar hopping, or go to a concert with a big group of friends and get smashed while rocking out. Stay up way too late playing Just Dance on the Wii and make huge mistakes. (We will not go into those)
I don’t know, I just kinda feel like I have found my stride. It’s a great feeling to know that whatever happens you are old enough to figure it out without freaking, right?
I asked my grandma last year on her birthday (she turned 82) what decade was she the most happiest in. She told me it was her thirties and forties. Now I am not wise or smart by any stretch of the imagination, but I think I agree with her so far. This is the best time of my life. I can do anything I want without worrying about what people will say or think, because I am old enough to not care and not stupid enough to do anything that would really hurt anyone.
The only thing I feel tugging at me is the writing a book and expressing my feelings more. Which this year I have remedied with this website and joining a book writing group. So done and done.
I am not saying that things won’t change and they probably will sooner than later. Everyone who knows me knows that I am notorious for changing my mind at the drop of a hat or playing devil’s advocate. That shit keeps me young, and others thinking on their toes. 🙂
I just don’t feel the need to prove anything to prove at this point. I am queen of the hill, so to speak.
Until tomorrow when shit gets twisted and I have a new idea I just HAVE to try! But that is human nature no?
Right now though, I am happy with what I have, I don’t care if that makes me seem foolish.