I am having a tough time getting into the holiday spririt this year. Everything seems too forced for me this year. I am just trying to stay afloat here people! It is difficult when it feels like all the years obstacles suddenly land on your doorstep. Splat! Completely unprepared, I tell you!
So when everything is going my way, doubt burrows into the back of my mind reminding me that this is all temporary my friend.
I am a walking contradiction. I am doubtful of good things that come MY way but am incredibly positive when it happens to others. That doesn’t even make sense right? If it is good enough for them it must be good enough for me right?
I always feel I have a penance to pay for my past. I am not some terrible sociopath that deserves anything bad to happen to me. On the contrary, I am intelligent, honest to a fault and can throw one hell of a party. (if I do say so myself) I just have a scewed view of my own self-worth. I am aware of it. I know it is not right to think this way and I try so very hard to adjust my thinking but it’s really fucking hard ya’ll.
And don’t give me tht crap that I am not trying hard enough either. It is a difficult state of mind to undo and how you are raised and treated as a child has an enormous impact on how you conduct yourself as a mature adult. No one is perfect and what a terrible place it would be if there was a perfection out there. (ugh, could you imagine?)
So, when something happens that throws a kink in my wayward life I kinda have a little freak out which then turns into a perceived avalanche that I can’t control. After said freak out I am fine. I solve the problem and move on to the next. Maybe I need therapy. Is that normal?
I don’t know but I hope so. Last thing I need right now is to feel even more ostracized from humanity.
So what are your crazy quirks and obsessions that you are ashamed of?
I would never expect anyone to share as much as I do on this blog. It’s mine for a reason, so I can share with you. And a diary of sorts. A place to vent my thoughts and feelings on the interweb and hope others can find relief that they are not as weird as everyone tries to make them out to be for thinking the same things I do.
So, anyway I had a doozy today. My babysitter had knee surgery and had to take vacation early. So I had no one to watch the kid this week and pick her up from school. I really freaked out on this one. I just got a new job and I am still on probation. Thank goodness I can work from home or I would be screwed.
But I found a solution, albeit a temporary one but I revel in the tiny victories. It gives me hope that I will someday come across a big victory. Man, when that day comes, I don’t know what I will do. A big vitory will be directly preceded by a big freak-out.
You know what, scratch that, I can’t even think about a big freak-out right now. I will just keep on trucking and repeat these words to hold me together.
Don’t sweat the small stuff.
P.S. It’s all small stuff.