It’s like learning to be myself all over again

I always thought of myself as a bit of a bitch, a snatch, a horrible person who is going to hell because of my terrible past.  It’s incredibly self-deprecating, I know.

Well, thats what I heard growing up from my mom so I just accepted that as fact.

Then things happened.  Oh , you want me to be more specific?

I was eating dinner with my husband and daughter yesterday and my husband told me that I wasn’t as much as a bitch as I thought.  I was honestly shocked.  I thought everyone believed as I did.  That I was hella rude and blunt, and sometimes maybe, downright evil.

Then my boss said multiple times I was too nice.  What?

Then I met some amazing ladies online.  They reached out to me and offered friendship for no other reason than we were all book loving nerds who liked to write.  All recent authors or aspiring to be like me.  I am not gonna share them with you so don’t ask.  In this, I am being selfish.

That was kinda the straw that broke the camels back.

You see, their friendship led to others.  And I have been asked me to look through a few drafts and give feedback.

Wait a second, I am a bitch, you don’t want to hear what I have to say, do you?  Yes.  Really?

Do you know how mega important this is? It’s very personal.  You don’t just give a piece of yourself to someone you have never physically met and hope they don’t rip your heart out.  As if I knew what the hell I was doing.
Do you really want my opinion?  Yes.
You care what I have to say? Yes.
You want to move closer so we can hang out?
No? Too much.  Got it.

Anyway, I have seem to shifted from my point and that was that I may not be as big of a bitch as I once was lead to believe.  I just don’t know how to wrap my head around this.  I mean, if I am really *swallows dramatically* nice.  Then my whole pardigm is thrown out of whack.  It is a technical term.  Look it up.

If I am nice what does that make the peope I don’t like?  Are they really not as bad as I been thinking all this time?  And by thinking negatively of them, does that, in fact make me a bitch?  It’s confusing right?

And what about the people who agree with me about being a bitch.  Does that mean they are really, really nice?  I wear that bitch role with pride, man.  It is my calling card.  I felt as if I could say anything because everyone would just think, “don’t mind her, she’s just a bitch.”  It was a cloak of confidance that has been ripped off me and now I am left feeling exposed.   I am kinda pissed that I don’t have that anymore.

I don’t know how to act now that I know I am not viewed as a bitch.  It shouldn’t be this difficult, I know, but I am a very complex personality with layers.  Like an onion folks.  I need to pick it apart, examine it until I understand every angle so I can gain back my confidance cloak.

I could actually just become a bitch.  But, I have no idea how, since I always thought I already was one.

I guess I have no choice but to adjust to the fact that I am actually a nice person.  Blech, I don’t know how I feel about that yet.

In the meantime, I will keep on keeping on, cause I know that I don’t have that much time to ponder on this.  I have shit to do.  Dang, all this introspection makes me hungry.

Thanks for listening.

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