I am afraid. There I said it. Hold on, my anxiety level has jumped about 30 % and I need a minute to force it back down. This happens sometimes. Like every few months or so.
I never talk about this and now I can feel my heart fate soaring. I can’t breathe and when I do it’s heavy and sharp. My eyes are starting to water just writing about it. My hands are clammy and my thoughts jump so fast and don’t make much sense to me. I may need help. I don’t want help. I feel ashamed. This shit is hard to put out there.
Every once in a while I feel down. Like I have no motiviation. I’m tired. So tired of everything. Nothing interests me. I don’t care to do anything except lay down and stare at my books. It doesn’t help. Nothing helps.
I compartmentalize everything because it’s the only way to make it through the day without breaking down and balling my eyes out. One step at a time. One meal at a time. One job at a time. One day at a time.
Why, you ask.
You are gonna love this. I have no effing idea!
I have a great life. Well paying job, loving husband and a daughter who is healthy and happy. What more could I want? And why does this happen? It pisses me off when it does and I don’t know what to do about it. I will see if I can describe it to you.
It comes and it goes. Sometimes I can feel it coming a few weeks in advance. Like it builds inside of me slowly, layer upon layer. Jokes are funnier, work is easier, and food tastes better. I grin for no reason. Because I can’t stop. Everything has a rose colored edge to it during this time. I can make a joke out of everything and make people laugh. This is the easy part. In fact, everything is easy during this time. My mind is sharper, I can read in bewteen the lines and figure out the problem faster. Like my synapses are connecting at higher rate of speed. Everything is awesome.
Finally, it gets to a point where I am nearly hysterical with happiness. I can’t stop it. It’s almost as if I have no control. I don’t know what it is. I try to trick my mind and downplay my emotions to everyone when I feel that it is too strong, thinking if they don’t notice anything out of the ordinary then nothing is. I am only fooling myself.
Then the crash. This time hasn’t started too bad. It’s only a few days in though so who knows how it will change me time. It changes me everytime. I am slower. In movement and thinking, my temper is shorter. I can’t concentrate, I can’t focus. I am sad. So I cry when no one is around. I don’t have motivation to do what needs to be done. I just want to be alone and not have anyone look at me. For fear that they can see this thing inside of me. And judge me for it. Who has time to deal with something like this? No one right? So I do my best to push it away. I try to force myself into a better mood. I am just hiding.
It’s almost as if I am coming down off of a high. Actually, I suppose that is exactly what it is. This time was a big one. I went from very high to very low in a matter of hours. It’s not linear. It is abstract, going up, down, sideways, longways, diagonal, backwards and even circular. It’s meloncholy and rapid heart beats and vertigo and indifference. And sometimes, it’s physically painful.
I know what it sounds like. I have done the research. I don’t care what it is. I just want it to go the fuck away. In a few weeks or maybe days if I am lucky, I will be thinking to myself, ‘carla, that wasn’t so bad. You are making a mountain out of a molehill.’ But while it’s happening, right now, it’s feels so much bigger. I am stretched so far that I fear one of these times I may just snap. That will never happen. I won’t allow it. I am a fighter. I will claw my way back from this tiny invisible hell. Just like I always do. The fact that I have done it before gives me strength that I can beat this again, and again, and again. Forever if that is what it takes. Because it most likely will never stop.
This is the hardest thing I have ever had the balls to write.