It’s been awhile…..

I totes suck at this shit.  Like, a lot. I don’t like to write about myself and when I do it’s very introspective and generally scares people away.  This is what makes me a good reviewer. I can crouch behind my monitor and quietly give opinions on others writing. Because I’m scared of what people will actually say when they read about my boring ass life. I mean, who wants to hear about my awesome seven year old daughter? Or how I love to interact with authors? Or that I have a girl crush on some of my blogger friends? That secret is going to the grave, don’t even ask.  Actually, I suppose it could be a boy crush since I don’t have any reference on knowing which sex they are.  Hmmm, something to ponder.  Anywhore, where was I again?

You see!  I can’t even keep a single thought straight in my head let alone on paper.  Moving on…..

So a new year has come and gone and I failed miserably at last years resolution.   Which was to share myself with you guys.  That sounds a lot less scary than it is, believe me. I am not one of those emotive people.  I hold that crap very close to my heart and don’t like to share with others unless I’m certain I can really trust them with my feelings.  Which made this journal blog ideal for me since I can claim ignorance about who reads it and therefore really allow myself to open up as a person.  Am I making sense?  See what I mean about being introspective?

I figure since its a new year I should make at least a feeble attempt to finish what I started.  So, this is me, not giving up.  Not going quietly into the night.  This is me, flashing you with my insecurity and fear.  Trying to find comradery in others insecurity and fear as well.  Because that kind of shit comforts me in a world where we aren’t allowed to show weakness or frailty.  Where crying is looked down on and confrontation carries a misnomer of fighting.  Nothing wrong with a little healthy aggression guys.

I find comfort in the fact that I am not the only one to ever feel this way.  To know with certainty that someone else understands what its like to want to give up, bow down and roll over.  To curl in a ball and cry, just for the sake of letting it out. (a good cry is healthy ya know) But we are told so often to ‘suck it up’, ‘shake it off’ and ‘stop crying’ that we start to believe its actually wrong when we feel this way.  When did I become a lemming to mob mentality?  Why can’t I cry when I feel sad?  Why am I not allowed to get indignant when some douche canoe comes at me sideways. No, I need to ‘compose myself’ and ‘be an adult’.

Fuck that!

The real strength is in the act of letting go.

Let me say that again.

The real strength is in the act of letting go.

Of not holding it in; of allowing people to see you are you are meant to be seem. Imperfect. Flawed. Uncertain. And on occasion, downright stupid. 

Don’t ever lose that strength.  Use it as armor.  Let it protect you and fill you with hope. Hope that we are not alone in our struggle. We are not strange or weird for feeling this way.  We are normal.  

Man, I sure know how to ramble. (and this is me minimizing my feelings so I don’t get them hurt when people hate my writing)

Signing off till something new comes floating through this noggin of mine.  Laters.

 


2 thoughts on “It’s been awhile…..

  1. I love reading your blogs. And even though I don’t have an exact idea what you’re going through, been through, I can totally feel it and understand. I know I haven’t been in this world long enough, but I’ve been to some rough roads too.

    I love what you said about letting go… And I can still go on but then I would lose the point of this comment. Ramble if you must. And for me the most endearing thing about your blogs is that I can feel it comes from your heart. And that’s why I find your written blogs beautiful.

    Liked by 1 person

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