It sucks that I have to clarify this fat post so people don’t think I am talking bad about myself. Fat is a descriptor, not an insult. At least it’s not an an insult to me. I’m fat, but I’m also pretty. Being fat does not negate the pretty. Say it with me folks, BEING FAT DOES NOT NEGATE THE PRETTY.
I don’t really care that I’m fat. Okay, that’s a lie. I care a little. Only to the point that I get tired easily and don’t have the mobility I want and need with a 8 year old. Or the fact that I can’t get on certain rides because of weight restrictions. And sometimes I don’t feel sexy, which isn’t a huge deal but it matters to me. I had a fat mom and was embarrassed when my friends would come over as a teenager. I don’t want my child to ever be embarrassed of me over something as trivial and fluxuating as weight. These thoughts swirl around in my head sometimes.
Honestly, if being fat didn’t mean my health was at risk, I’d rock my fatness all day every day. But that is not the case.
My weight keeps me from doing the things that I want to do. It keeps going up and I feel like I may be losing control. It’s not about losing the weight to be thought of as pretty, which I find trivial and childish honestly, its about losing the weight to be healthy and gaining some control over my life. It’s about doing whatever I want and not having to worry about my weight. I have enough shit to worry about, my weight shouldn’t be one of them.
I want to lose weight because I want to be able to go on roller coasters with my daughter. And be able to tie my shoes without losing my breath. Or go up the stairs without huffing and puffing. I want to be able to not sweat on areas of my body that don’t normally sweat. (behind the knee, really?) I love riding my bike, but I can’t do it for long periods of time because I get tired faster than my daughter. I want to take her on hikes that last longer than an hour.
I want control over my body. And this is not control, this is lack of control.
So, I’m going to the doctor. And I’m seeing what can be done. Asking for help does not make me weak. It means I’m not to proud to ask. That I know my limits. It also means I’m serious, do you know how much it costs to go see a weight doctor? That shit ain’t cheap.
So, I will keep you all appraised of my journey henceforth. It is scary to think that I now have this accountability. I’ve tried lots of different diets throughout my life and some have worked great. But eventually, I always quit. I need a professional’s help now.
Wanting to lose weight doesn’t mean I hate my body, it means I love it enough to want it to last longer.
Thank you for listening.