I must come to terms with the fact that I am a weak and selfish person. I didn’t finish typing up my story because I did other things.
Like take four hours to put all my loose pictures into photo albums. That could have most definitley waited. I didn’t write anything this week because I was reading great books. I spent about three hours a day reading this week. That time could have been spent typing. I also spent saturday cleaning for two hours. Sunday I did the science fair project with my daughter that took four plus hours of glue, writing, picture drawing and stencils.
I now hate stencils.
All this time took away from me typing up my draft. I set a deadline for myself and failed.
The fact that that I failed my self-imposed deadline makes me feel weak. The fact that I chose to fail makes me feel selfish. I am not self-depracating here. I don’t need anyone to say “buck up” or “give yourself a break” I am aware of my abilities and boundaries. Which is why I am so pissed at myself for procrastinating.
I should have been able to knock out four hours of typing easily this week. Those parameters are not that strict. But I didn’t. Because I was selfish with my time. Maybe selfish isn’t the appropiate word. Self-indulgent seems more fitting (and less bitchy). I set a loose deadline for myself because I understand how self-indulgent I can get. And I still missed it.
Why is this such a big deal? Why the deadline in the first place?
Is it because I am in competition with anyone? I don’t like to think so but every once in a while I feel a little left behind. Now, that could just be me and my own issues. I’m the first person to dismiss someones good intentions and look for the negative alterior motive. That has to do with my upbringing. I am working on that. I have stategies in place to help me cope with my extreme and maybe clinical cynicism.
Am I the only one who has ever felt this way? I doubt it.
So I feel left behind. So what? These people are relative strangers and unimportant in the grand scope of my growth as a person. Yet, according to them, everything is all sunshine and rainbows. Frankly, it pisses me off. Everything is running smoothly for them. Maybe I am in competition with them and they don’t know. Like a keeping up with the Jones situation.
I am not foolish enought to think that everything written on the internet is true. (Hello, previously stated cynicism.) I understand that people fluff up their posts to make themselves look good to others and feel better about themselves. That can be classified as competition. To appear in a better social standing and therfore better in general.
I hate competition. I will lose everytime. In fact, if they gave out trophies for who lost the most competitions, that would be the only one I would win.
Hell, it’s even a competition to see who loses the most! Gah!
My point is this. Failing my own set deadline translates to losing making me feel weak.
Bringing me to my last question. Am I okay with appearing weak?
My first impulse is to say NO!
“There’s no crying in baseball.”
When did it become unacceptable to fail?
Do we not teach our children to fail everyday? Isn’t failing an improtant character building exercise?
“Can’t win them all.”
“You’ll get’em next time.”
“It’s not whether you win or lose but how you play the game.”
I have no answer to this question. Only a half thought out impulsive opinion. In order for me to accept the fact that I am a weak and self-indulgent person I will need to think long and hard on this. Maybe next week I will have a better understanding.
Or I could just suck it up and type up my draft.